In My Lifetime

I had an interesting dream this morning.

It was a Saturday morning and in my neighborhood people were out washing their cars and moving furniture into (or out of) there houses.  I decided to check my mail, really anticipating a check so I could pay some bills.  Inside of the mail box was a bunch of junk mail and one of those see through express mail envelopes with at least a $5 bill and a $1 bill.  I don’t know the significance of those number or it being cash, but I remember thinking, “what idiot would send cash in this type of an envelope?”  There was also another see through express mail envelope but I think it was from some company sending me  credit card or something about credit.  I don’t remember.  Anyways, the nightmare part was that surprise, surprise, my check wasn’t there and I started to panic.  It’s funny how my nightmares are never about monsters or death, it’s always something realistic like not being able to pay a bill and I get evicted from my house and have to move back in with my parents.

Anyways, I was looking at the mail I had pulled out when this hot chick who looked like Gabrielle Union but with bigger breast came up from behind me wearing super short white denim shorts and a green low cut top with her tits seemingly about to pop out if she jumped came.  I’ve seen this exact outfit before in real life… I don’t know if that’s relevant but I remember thinking I’d seen it before when she approached me.  Anyways, I’m taking my mail out one letter at a time and seeing who it’sw from when she frickin bulldozes the hell out of me and starts on some typical ghetto chick tirade about me being in her way (her mailbox was directly underneath mine) and some other shit that started to get me upset.

I didn’t really make much of it while dreaming, but now that I think about it… none of this makes sense.  She came from either washing her car or moving in (I assumed this while dreaming) from the opposite side of the mailboxes, but the people who live in that area wouldn’t share my mail box unit.  The 8 houses on my row are the only ones that use those units.

Anyways, being passive aggressive I “accidentally” bumped into her and tore one of her letters.  Having woken up, I don’t know how it was possible to accidentally rip a letter that someone is holding but in the dream it was a smooth and seamless tripping motion and I remember being happy that it looked natural.  So yeah, this completely ignites the situation and she’s screaming her head off.  I remember at this point her chest started heaving and her breast were bouncing and my goal at this point was just to keep this up because I was enjoying the sight.

I started walking back to my house and she was following me there and still screaming but at some point she told me, “I’m going to tell your mom.”  This made me lol hard because I’m an adult so who the hell cares if you tell my mom?  Plus, she doesn’t even know my mom.  I made fun of this and while she was still being loud, it seemed like the silliness of her statement had gotten to her.  I was halfway to my house and she was still following me, breast still bouncing in anger, still looking like Gabrielle Union, so something in my head said that I should try her and see what’s up since she was seemingly going to follow me into my house, the mom statement had lightened the mood, and what’s the worst that could happen?  She yells at me?  She’s already yelling at me.  It was a win-neutral situation that could plant seeds for future fun.

Now, this is where I’m impressed with my dream self for making the connection.  Despite her being a super hot Gabrielle Union looking chick who looked college age, she said, “I’m going to tell your mom.”  This is a juvenile statement.  So, I had the good sense to stop her mid-scream and ask, “how old are you?”  Shocked for a second, she said 14.  Holy smokes.  Good thing I asked.  I said, “What?!?!  There goes having some fun,” and that was it.  It was deaded.  The whole yelling thing was done, I stopped paying any attention to anything and headed back to my house with renewed vigor.  She paused in the street for a second or two afterwards and then said something that felt like, “fuck you then” but I don’t recall exactly what was said because the whole thing was dead to me and I was honestly kinda shellshocked at her age.

The last thing I remember was walking through my doorway, seeing a bottle of Hennessy on my kitchen counter and feeling very relieved that I had avoided a potential legal quagmire.

“Swag” is starting to get played out.  It’s rampant misuse rivals how hater started off as baseless jealousy and now just means someone who disagrees with you, no matter how logical and sensible the disagreement is.  I could take a lolcat picture, put “swag” on it and it would make sense for how people use the word these days.

More DeKalb County shenanigans.  

Late September

My boss asks me to split an invoice into $100 and $250 “for their convenience.”  Now, I’m happy to oblige because the invoice payment system isn’t per invoice, it’s based off of however many invoices are turned in during a certain period of time.

October 1

So around October 1st they sent me a check that was for 1/4 of what it was supposed to be.  The next week my boss tells me that they have a new system, a new system that will be retroactively applied to all currently unpaid invoices, where they want to pay out invoices before they get another one.  At first that seemed awesome but I quickly realized after looking back over the 1/4 check that this just meant they were only going to pay me one invoice per week… and I turned in like 6 invoices over about 2 weeks of time.  I also recall the “for our convenience” split and dread that in a few weeks I’m only going to get $100

October 8

Yay, no check!  Awesome!!!!  Money sucks, right?  Nobody has bills to pay, right?  To keep a record, I’m now owed a total of 7 invoices dating back all the way back to September 21st.

October 15

I get a check.  Now, you might think that under the new system things will be paid out chronologically.  LOL, I laugh at myself for having thought that.  Did they pay me for invoice #1?  No.  Did they pay me for invoice #2?  No. Did they pay me for invoice #3?  No.  Did they pay me for invoice #4, the $100 “for our convenience” invoice that was the smallest one by far?  Take a guess.

They’ve gone from

• paying out invoices based off of what is submitted in a week to 
• paying them chronologically one at a time (assuming it wasn’t a week where they felt too cool to cut checks) to
• paying them out one a week based on whichever one has the least amount of money on it.

Important to note: all of this was made retroactive so there was no opportunity for me to just combine all of them into one huge invoice and get paid that.

If this keeps up and assuming they don’t take anymore bye weeks (but this is DeKalb county so I doubt that’s gonna happen, especially given their renewed vigor in jerking contractors) they will be spreading 3 weeks of work over 2 months of payments… 

Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be contractors for DeKalb County.

Holy crap, 21 to 7.  Not as bad as the Cardinals getting that ass mollywopped with a score of 28-3 going into the 2nd half but damn.  I have to be reading NFL.com incorrectly or something… Philly has 3 turnovers already?  I must be an idiot and looking at the wrong column… I must be.

It’s funny I can be ultra starving one minute and then not hungry at all 5 minutes later. Mindtrick?